Self-Trust is a Crucial Step in any Relationship

I was struggling with some angst the other night, and the thoughts and feelings put me in an uncomfortable place. See, as a coach, I like to think I can coax myself out of feelings by applying a few trusted strategies, but I’m learning this is a false truth. I was struggling to find clarity in my present state, but anger kept surfacing. I was dealing with an issue at work, and I was mad at myself for being angry. See anger is catabolic, level two energy, and I prefer to reside in the anabolic levels of energy. It’s kind of silly to admit since I know I would convince my clients that sometimes you have to sit in those feelings of anger before you can emerge from the discomfort. It’s truly the best way to learn and move forward. I recognized in that moment that I was angry with myself for not handling it better. What I eventually realized was that I was exactly where I needed to be in order to find clarity.

Fortunately, I had a scheduled coaching call that evening. Yes, I do make time to be coached, and I see it as one of my strengths. I think I’d be a hypocrite if I didn’t practice what I preach. As soon as he answered the call, I went off, letting him know how angry I was at myself for being angry and not being able to handle my situation better. I was anticipating a decision that would be made regarding a promotion at work, and I was already getting in my head about the outcome. I was angry because, one, I know thoughts become reality, so I was ashamed I may be manifesting a negative outcome for myself. I also know that there is a purpose in everything, and if I wasn’t awarded the position, there was something bigger and better for me. “So, it sounds like one of the emotions surfacing is fear; can you elaborate on this? He asked in a calm demeanor.  Still fired up, I answered hastily, “I know I can understand if this position is not part of my future trajectory, but I don’t know how I will handle accepting their decision because I feel I am the best candidate for the position”.  I had been groomed for this position and was basically told it was crafted for me, so how could they make any other decision. But my intuition was telling me differently, and I wanted to prepare myself. I could understand that I reverted to catabolic anger because it was a defense mechanism. If I was angry enough, I could potentially avoid feeling the sadness that would be accompanied by a rejection. The anger could keep me from being vulnerable, and I could face the results with a strong “fuck you!”   

After a deep exploration of feelings, my coach asked, “can I make an observation?”  “Of course, I answered.” “It seems that there is a common thread between the issues that have been coming up for you lately. Do you know what that thread is?” He inquired. Still partially enmeshed in my anger, I answered, “No, but I would love if you can tell me. It’s literally driving me crazy that I can’t get a handle on these emotions.” I should have known his response as it is the same response I would have given if I were in the role of coach. “I can’t give you that answer, but I know that the truth is within you. It may take a week to discover it, but it’s there” he replied calmly. Although I wasn’t completely satisfied with the outcome and certainly didn’t like the idea of waiting a week to have an internal discovery, I agreed to be patient.

Fortunately, I didn’t have to wait long. The next morning, I woke up, still frustrated and overwhelmed with my thoughts, so much so that I needed to release some of it through tears. As I sat in the pain, I had a sudden epiphany. I had remembered back to the previous day when I had been enraptured in the conversations with Brene Brown and Oprah Winfrey through the podcast, “Super Soul Stories.”  In particular, the session on vulnerability hit hard and resonated deeply.  I was on such a high from their teachings, I decided to let the next session play. This one happened to be about Trust. After listening for a few minutes, I shut it off, thinking it wasn’t anything I could relate to in the moment. But sitting in my tears, it suddenly hit me like a ton of bricks. TRUST was the thread the wove tightly through so many of my issues. I decided to turn the podcast back on and listen to what Brene had to say. “One of the biggest casualties with heartbreak and disappointment in our struggle is not just the loss of trust with other people but the loss of self-trust”. She went on to state that we can not expect trust from others if we don’t trust ourselves. That was my holy crap moment. There was the answer. It made complete sense. I had had issues with trust stemming from my childhood and reaching a climax in my marriage; somewhere along the lines I forgot how to trust myself. It made sense that I was fearing the result from work because a rejection was attached to distrust. Having groomed me for this position, I believed I deserved it, and I trusted management when they said they had created this position with me in mind. If I didn’t get it, it meant broken trust once again, solidifying my limiting belief that I couldn’t trust anyone. The only way to fix this was to believe that no matter what the outcome, I could trust myself to handle the decision.