Holly McCusker | Holly McCusker

When I started my journey as a coach, I dove into empowerment and wanted my clients to discover the power of their voice and the limitless opportunities they could channel from their new bad-ass being. While some caught on quickly, I noticed the majority were faking their way into this new existence. The theme that continued to emerge and required the most focus was self-love.

It suddenly dawned on me that I was not meeting my clients where they were; I was meeting them where I wanted them to be. As coaches we are taught to lose the agenda, so that is exactly what I did. Not only did I reconsider my entire business model, I tore it down and recreated a beautiful foundation built on self-love, self-trust, and self-care.

There were moments during the rebranding phase where I stepped into fear and worry; this ultimately taught me that my own foundation was cracked and needed some extra TLC. With self-love and trust, the pieces came together, and I found myself settling into the flow. In trusting the process, this beautiful vision emerged. I knew my main focus was to work with clients to build a foundation of self-love through coaching.

While connecting the self-care piece, I envisioned another level of coaching where we walked in nature, working through pain and rediscovering who we were before the world told us who to be. I spent a year dating myself, so I could discover what it truly meant to care for self in love. As this began to unfold, I surveyed my surroundings and recognized that much of my care routine involved creating an aesthetically pleasing environment for myself.

I checked in to see how I felt in certain spaces and felt a desire to help others do the same. At the peak of my lofty discovery, I envisioned an oasis where people could come to care for themselves in love. In the near future, I see a space to rent, a place you can journey to, clear your mind, care for yourself and live in joy for a few days, maybe even a week.

About The Author

As a certified core energy and self-love coach, Holly works with individuals to discover who they are at their core. She builds upon self-love, self-trust, and self-care rituals. By exploring the seven levels of energy and how they impact daily decision-making clients can make alternative choices that promote well-being. Get to know her and explore your options for working with Holly here.

Learn More

Poor, Single, You!

“How can YOU be single?” one of the most dreaded questions I can think of as a single woman in the matchmaking industry. I can understand that the intent is a compliment, but for me, it is far from it. It’s quite ignorant and insulting. Unfortunately, society deems being single as having something “wrong” with you when clearly it is quite the opposite.

Often, I find individuals who are single to be confident and content, especially those who consider it as a temporary lifestyle choice. Being unafraid to be alone in one’s company, getting to know oneself on a deeper level, maybe even date oneself is strength. It gives you a chance to know yourself and what brings you joy, so when you choose to enter back into the dating world, you are much more equipped with the overwhelming options. You are no longer trying to draw the parts of you that are missing, or worse, as the law of attraction dictates, channel the unhealthy parts of you.

Unfortunately, your relationship status tends to reflect your worth in the minds of many. There’s this hierarchy of sorts where marriage, no matter how healthy or destructive, is labeled best and divorced and single battle it out for worst. Divorce signals you have failed, but single suggests there might be something even more wrong with you for not even having that notch.

I had a client once tell me I should lie about my status to ensure more credibility as a matchmaker. His reasoning was if I was happily coupled, more people would “buy into” hiring me as a coach and matchmaker. Since I’ve never had any trouble attracting business, or interest in men for that matter, I prefer to be honest with my clients. I don’t feel inferior for being labeled “single;” in fact, I’m quite proud. See it took me over 100 first dates to discover the truth. The answer to love can’t be found in someone else; it must start with self-love. It wasn’t until I stopped dating and getting into relationships that I discovered what truly works for me. I can honestly say I love myself more as a single entity than I ever did in a relationship. Being in this place will allow me to attract an equally healthy partner.

I know it’s hard out there! Just because there seems to be an endless supply of single people doesn’t make the options anymore right for you. And sometimes attracting the right person takes time. It’s more important to be patient with the process and block out the negative and often ignorant chatter from others. When we stop allowing the pressures of society dictate a need for a relationship, we allow things to unfold organically.

About The Author

Learn More

Seeking External Validation Like a Drug

I grew up without a voice and with the idea that I wasn’t enough. I wanted so badly for someone to recognize my worth, but as years went on, the negative messages became stronger than my will to champion for myself. It wasn’t until college that my value started to change, but it wasn’t because of my own doing. I clung to the words of the first boy who said, “I love you” and accepted his proposal at 19, too young to make that decision, but that feeling of validation won me over. Next it was a college professor who saw the value in my writing and recommended I tutor my peers in the Writing Center. I went on to become a teacher and was quickly promoted to Department Head within three years’ time. My peers idolized my talents in the classroom and as a leader; the parents declared how I changed their child’s life. All this external validation made me feel amazing for a moment, but as soon as the feeling started to dissipate, I sought more accolades as if they were a drug.

And then one day, everything came crashing down around me. Fifteen years into a relationship, now a stay at home mom taking care of two babies, I learned my husband was leading a secret life. To say I was shocked would be an understatement. The feeling that I stepped into someone else’s life would be a more accurate depiction. How on earth had my life changed in such a short period of time, and where was I to go from here? More importantly, if the validation was no longer there, did it ever really exist? If someone could betray you in such a way, did they ever really love you the way you imagined? With no career to define me and bring me validation, a pending divorce that spelled “failure,” I was left questioning my value.

I didn’t have time to really accept the severity of what had happened for fear that it would swallow me whole. So, I dedicated myself to my children and my health. I took up running; it became my therapy. I ultimately committed to running a marathon and then another. When I needed a new challenge, I took up triathlon training. On the outside, I looked the best I ever did. I was constantly complimented on my fit body, and it certainly appeared I was living my best life. I didn’t shy away from relationships either; in fact, I found myself trying out one after another. Each one failing, all by my decision, because they could never live up to my unrealistic expectations. As soon as the external validation felt monotonous, I was out.

And then one day, I stopped dating. I realized how critical it was that I fix me before I was ready to share my life with anyone. The first step I had to take was to recognize the power of external validation in my life. Relying on others’ thoughts of me was futile because in the end, it didn’t erase the negative chants that rang louder in my head “you are not enough” “not worth it” “don’t matter” “don’t measure up” and so forth. Covering them up with the voices of others only provided a remedy until the lines were contradictory.

The necessity to find my own value was the only move that would heal my soul. And so, I committed to the work. I learned to find my authentic self, and I practiced showing up as her. I shared my story and removed the shame each time I revealed a bit more about myself. I cared less about what others thought, and I found the power in my voice. Now, as I look back at all that I have achieved and all that I have overcome, I feel so proud to be me. I am that extraordinary girl I always longed to be, and that’s only because I say so. That can never be taken away.

About The Author

Learn More

Self-Trust is a Crucial Step in any Relationship

I was struggling with some angst the other night, and the thoughts and feelings put me in an uncomfortable place. See, as a coach, I like to think I can coax myself out of feelings by applying a few trusted strategies, but I’m learning this is a false truth. I was struggling to find clarity in my present state, but anger kept surfacing. I was dealing with an issue at work, and I was mad at myself for being angry. See anger is catabolic, level two energy, and I prefer to reside in the anabolic levels of energy. It’s kind of silly to admit since I know I would convince my clients that sometimes you have to sit in those feelings of anger before you can emerge from the discomfort. It’s truly the best way to learn and move forward. I recognized in that moment that I was angry with myself for not handling it better. What I eventually realized was that I was exactly where I needed to be in order to find clarity.

Fortunately, I had a scheduled coaching call that evening. Yes, I do make time to be coached, and I see it as one of my strengths. I think I’d be a hypocrite if I didn’t practice what I preach. As soon as he answered the call, I went off, letting him know how angry I was at myself for being angry and not being able to handle my situation better. I was anticipating a decision that would be made regarding a promotion at work, and I was already getting in my head about the outcome. I was angry because, one, I know thoughts become reality, so I was ashamed I may be manifesting a negative outcome for myself. I also know that there is a purpose in everything, and if I wasn’t awarded the position, there was something bigger and better for me. “So, it sounds like one of the emotions surfacing is fear; can you elaborate on this? He asked in a calm demeanor. Still fired up, I answered hastily, “I know I can understand if this position is not part of my future trajectory, but I don’t know how I will handle accepting their decision because I feel I am the best candidate for the position”. I had been groomed for this position and was basically told it was crafted for me, so how could they make any other decision. But my intuition was telling me differently, and I wanted to prepare myself. I could understand that I reverted to catabolic anger because it was a defense mechanism. If I was angry enough, I could potentially avoid feeling the sadness that would be accompanied by a rejection. The anger could keep me from being vulnerable, and I could face the results with a strong “fuck you!”

After a deep exploration of feelings, my coach asked, “can I make an observation?” “Of course, I answered.” “It seems that there is a common thread between the issues that have been coming up for you lately. Do you know what that thread is?” He inquired. Still partially enmeshed in my anger, I answered, “No, but I would love if you can tell me. It’s literally driving me crazy that I can’t get a handle on these emotions.” I should have known his response as it is the same response I would have given if I were in the role of coach. “I can’t give you that answer, but I know that the truth is within you. It may take a week to discover it, but it’s there” he replied calmly. Although I wasn’t completely satisfied with the outcome and certainly didn’t like the idea of waiting a week to have an internal discovery, I agreed to be patient.

Fortunately, I didn’t have to wait long. The next morning, I woke up, still frustrated and overwhelmed with my thoughts, so much so that I needed to release some of it through tears. As I sat in the pain, I had a sudden epiphany. I had remembered back to the previous day when I had been enraptured in the conversations with Brene Brown and Oprah Winfrey through the podcast, “Super Soul Stories.” In particular, the session on vulnerability hit hard and resonated deeply. I was on such a high from their teachings, I decided to let the next session play. This one happened to be about Trust. After listening for a few minutes, I shut it off, thinking it wasn’t anything I could relate to in the moment. But sitting in my tears, it suddenly hit me like a ton of bricks. TRUST was the thread the wove tightly through so many of my issues. I decided to turn the podcast back on and listen to what Brene had to say. “One of the biggest casualties with heartbreak and disappointment in our struggle is not just the loss of trust with other people but the loss of self-trust”. She went on to state that we can not expect trust from others if we don’t trust ourselves. That was my holy crap moment. There was the answer. It made complete sense. I had had issues with trust stemming from my childhood and reaching a climax in my marriage; somewhere along the lines I forgot how to trust myself. It made sense that I was fearing the result from work because a rejection was attached to distrust. Having groomed me for this position, I believed I deserved it, and I trusted management when they said they had created this position with me in mind. If I didn’t get it, it meant broken trust once again, solidifying my limiting belief that I couldn’t trust anyone. The only way to fix this was to believe that no matter what the outcome, I could trust myself to handle the decision.

About The Author

Learn More

There is No Faith in Fear

I’m often asked, “how did you manage to stay so strong during the darkest moments of your life?” The answer is simple: gratitude and faith. I hung on to those concepts for dear life when the world around me was spinning out of control. See my picture-perfect family, living in the big beautiful home with two happy and healthy babies was now in shambles. The fear of losing everything I had held close to my heart was now a reality. I learned that my once doting, completely in love husband was living a secret life. This life included gambling, pornography, excessive drinking, abuse of prescription medication and the worst blow of all, emotional intimacy with other women. While I went to extreme measures to save my marriage (something I never imagined doing after all this pain), I knew when the environment became unsafe, I needed to put my evacuation plan in motion. I couldn’t risk the unknown when I discovered my husband had brought a gun into the house and threated to kill himself while my babies slept in nearby rooms. Nor could I stand the reoccurring thought of coming home and finding him dead on the floor. So, my escape plan included a way out, a new life for my children, in a new home, a new town, and a completely new way of surviving.

Need I mention at the same time this chaos was occurring, my mom was diagnosed with stage four cancer. She had been sick for some time, but we didn’t have a diagnosis. See, my mom didn’t have health insurance, so we were left to self-diagnose until it became too much to handle. The day she keeled over while walking to the front door was the catalyst that initiated us finding a plan and paying for her health insurance. The first day she was able to see the doctor, she was in his office. That was the same day she was rushed to the emergency room for three blood transfusions. They eventually discovered a tumor the size of a basketball had been forming inside of her. She was diagnosed with colon cancer, and after surgery, the cancer spread to her lymph nodes. It was five years of touch and go before we finally got the green light.

Between supporting my mother with visits to the hospital and caring for two young ones, I didn’t have time to panic; I didn’t even have time to feel. I just went into robotic mode and cast aside the fear and worry that typically accompany these sorts of situations. Eventually I was able to transform my numbness into faith. This is where I began to truly believe in the purpose of life and the reason for our struggles. Instead of fearing what was to come, I decided to have faith in whatever outcome may emerge. If I believed there was a plan for our lives, I had to accept this tragedy was part of it. It was a miracle that my mom survived; however, my husband, who eventually became my Ex, took his own life.

I held on to the gratitude that my mom’s life was spared, and I did my best to make sense of my children losing their dad. I went into an intense journey with my thoughts of life and purpose. If I were to maintain my faith, I had to eliminate the fear as there is no faith in fear. How was I able to do that, you ask? I recognized the bonds I had created with my children grew stronger every day, and I had such an appreciation for my mother’s survival. I focused my thoughts on the gifts and recognized how to find light through the darkness. I forgave my husband for taking his life and leaving me alone to raise two children, and I thanked him for presenting me with incredible clarity regarding what was truly important in life.

This tragedy allowed me to view life through a different lens. I no longer looked for the big moments to bring me joy; instead I became very cognizant of the simple pleasures, my son singing alone in his room, my daughter making little “morning to do lists” that mimicked the same format I used for my daily routine. I even found ways to make tweaks to the mundane annoyances of life. For instance, instead of fretting that I had to empty the dishwasher, I was thankful that I had a working appliance to clean our dishes. Instead of feeling like a victim that I was raising my children alone, I focused on all of the blessings around us: a nice comfortable home, food to eat, a car to drive, but most important, a love and bond with my children that was like nothing I had ever felt.

I’m not trying to say that I made this adjustment from fear to faith and never had a setback; I still had wounds from childhood that surfaced and reminded me that I was human. The difference was that I took time to acknowledge these fears and put them in their place. When I worried about money, I challenged that thought with the fact that we had never wanted for much, and I always had a job that paid the bills. I also solidified this thought with the idea that if I believed in my purpose and knew there was a plan for me; then, there were no wrong moves. Everything was leading me to the person I was meant to be, scars and all.

About The Author

Learn More

I once heard Brene Brown say, “when perfectionism is driving, shame is riding shotgun”. I nearly lost my breath as I struggled to wrap my head around this concept. I had always bragged about being a perfectionist, wore that title like a proud medal for the world to see. Once I let the words sit with me for a moment, an epiphany came, and I finally understood how the shield that once protected me was suddenly holding me back. The perfect layers that I built around myself were not something to boast about; they were keeping me from being seen, from showing up as the authentic me. They clothed me so tightly; I started wondering who I even was myself.

Thinking about how this had ruled my life, I studied my past. I worked hard to be the best mom, daughter, athlete, and employee. My kids didn’t want for anything. We were constantly on a new adventure, and it all looked so perfect to the outside world. We posted our excursions and accomplishments on social media, and I cherished the accolades that came back verifying that I was, indeed, “the best mom.” What people didn’t see was a scared single mother who worried that she would wake up one day and have no place to live. I constantly said “yes” to my parents’ needs and worked hard to provide them with all the extra perks I could offer. I was a people-pleaser, and I didn’t know how to say “no” even when I gave at the expense of my own security. In my spare time, I trained for races, working my way up to a full marathon, and then I got involved in triathlons. I never raced for pleasure; I always showed up to compete. If I studied the stats of previous races and didn’t think I could measure up to the top tier, I refused to race. If I couldn’t return with some pretty perfect race results, why bother? In each career, I rose to the top and quickly became a leader and expert among my peers. I earned accolades from the outside world, and this caused me to chase praise like a drug. But, deep down, I had a dirty little secret. Inside I was feeling like I wasn’t enough. I relied on these external affirmations because I couldn’t be my own champion. I was too busy trying to be perfect to recognize I had a lot of pain I hadn’t worked through. With all these accomplishments and praise, I was even starting to fool myself.

And then I discovered the world of coaching, and I was forced to get real with my demons. I was pushed to take a close look at why I needed to appear so perfect to the world. The perfectionism was a shield to hide the shame, the shame of who I really was, a scared girl who had never addressed the gremlins from childhood, the voices that screamed “you’re not enough” or “your voice doesn’t matter.” With those thoughts at the forefront, I let people take advantage of me. I didn’t put myself first, and I certainly wasn’t my best advocate. I morphed into who I needed to be at any given moment and played the part perfectly.

I was never myself authentically until now. Now I can clearly see the cost I was paying to live up to this unrealistic image. When I finally allowed myself to step into vulnerability, try it on for size, and release the shame I had kept hidden from the world, a new me emerged. She was a lot lighter, happier, and she finally understood what it meant to live in the present moment. Instead of making me feel “less than” my truth set me free. It empowered me to live the life that was always meant for me. Now I show up without fear because shame isn’t holding me back; perfectionism is no longer the driver, and I am just being me.

It’s easy to fall victim to the shame-game. We think we are protecting ourselves by showing up perfectly, never cutting ourselves some slack, getting in our heads when we have a slip-up, but the truth is that the people who matter can see right through our façade. And let’s be honest, the energy it takes to be perfect is exhausting. As perfectionists, we are striving for something that doesn’t even exist. Imagine a world where we all show up as our true selves, and we attract the people who speak more authentically to our souls. If we felt these deeper connections, we would never want to be anyone but us, scars and all. The key is to dig deep and recognize where the wounds cut the deepest. Once we can work through our pain, we will no longer allow it to dictate our lives. We will no longer aim to achieve perfectionism because we know that being raw and vulnerable is the key to having beautiful purposeful relationships.

For more information on empowerment coaching, contact me below. Let’s schedule a free discovery call and start living the life we were meant to live.

About The Author

Learn More

All posts by Holly McCusker

Burning The Agenda

Burning The Agenda

About The Author

Poor, Single, You!

Poor, Single, You!

Poor, Single, You!

About The Author

Seeking External Validation Like a Drug

Seeking External Validation Like a Drug

Seeking External Validation Like a Drug

About The Author

Self-Trust is a Crucial Step in any Relationship

Self-Trust is a Crucial Step in any Relationship

Self-Trust is a Crucial Step in any Relationship

About The Author

There’s No Faith In Fear

There’s No Faith In Fear

There is No Faith in Fear

About The Author

Move over Perfectionism; Vulnerability is taking the Driver’s Seat.

Move over Perfectionism; Vulnerability is taking the Driver’s Seat.

About The Author